Miranda (mirandaflynn) wrote,
Miranda
mirandaflynn

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Lie back, grit your teeth, and be a sex positivist

I see that chore sex has moved out of the realm of wifely duty and into something healthy to do for your relationship.

It all starts here



"My wife and I married about three months ago and had dated for almost three and a half years before getting married. We both believe sex is for marriage only and abstained during our relationship. She is a virgin. I am not (I made my abstinence decision later in life). It was hard to keep my hands to myself while we dated, but I could do it partly because I knew marriage was on the horizon. Here's the problem:"

Actually, the problem is that you got married in order to get laid. Apparently, this guy went for 3 years with the specter of her golden virginity dangling before him like the holy grail.

"She says that she does not want to have sex no matter what I say. We did discuss this before marriage and I was under the impression that it would happen. In fact, she even thought it would happen during the honeymoon. Every time we tried, she freaked out and started to cry."

Anyhow the letter and response are pretty standard, see a counselor, blah, blah. Notably, the problem is framed as 'see a counselor so you can have sex', not 'see a counselor so she can deal with what's upsetting her'.

What's really creepily interesting to me are the responses on purportedly feminist sites, that the woman has somehow tricked the man...quite a master plan there, with the three years of dating and all...and that now he is unable to engage in his unquestioned right to fuck her. While mildly mentioning that religion is the problem here, the contempt for a woman who won't put out and pity for a man who ain't gettin any, is obvious.

This isn't portrayed as her wifely duty, of course, because this is a feminist site, but it IS portrayed as something that should be done in a 'normal, healthy' relationship. Withholding sex is called abuse.

Admittedly, this woman is obviously having some problems, and her responses are out of ordinary, but what I want to focus on is the still practically-universal sentiment that women are expected to put out when they don't want to. From sex-positives to fundamentalists, if our panties (or preferably our thongs) aren't primed to drop on cue (the only difference is who that cue comes from), THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH US. WE ARE ABNORMAL.

However, there's nothing wrong with guys who don't care that their partners are having chore sex, doing it out of some sense of obligation or the desire not to be seen as frigid or not caring about the relationship.

There's nothing new here. Women have always been expected to submit sexually, whether from duty to either our masters or to demonstrate how healthy our relationship is and how hip and edgy we are. As a friend so beautifully summarized "The same old message dressed up in pleather and lace".
Tags: feminism, sex
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